Sexual Addiction - My Testimony
I was an extremely rebellious teenager and my rebellion was against what I thought was excessive authority from my dad and a generational spirit of rejection passed down to me. My dad expected a lot of good success from me, but along with it there came a lot of demands. My dad did not really know how to display affection or acceptance. I did not realize it then, but now I know my dad really loved me. He just wasn't able to show it, and he really did over do it on authority. Somewhere around the age of 16 I rebelled, and I mean I rebelled in full force--even running red lights in front of cops to prove I wasn't going to submit to any authority anymore. This was a huge error in judgment that I can only blame myself for. I guess the "inner healing" ministries would call it a "bitter root judgment". Jesus was speaking to me though. I knew what I craved more than anything in my life was unconditional love. But my problem is that I was not able to submit to the Lord fearing more authority that I could not live up to. Satan came to take the seeds from the hard ground at the age of 16 in my life. Never quite able to completely surrender to the Lord, I began to have a problem with demonic spirits at the age of 20. There were voices harassing me in my mind and a distracting spirit that played music in my mind all the time. When this happened I began to seek the Lord will all my heart and my might. I went through the usual thing that Satan does when he tells new Christians that they committed the unpardonable sin. I struggled for a few years, and I thought that God might have already sentenced me to hell. I had intense attacks of demonic fear and my heart would take of racing, etc. I eventually stabilized, and the Holy Spirit began to touch me and comfort me and lead and guide me. But I continued to have this problem with the demonic spirits. When I was about 22 or 23 years old, I was walking down University Ave over by TCU (Texas Christian University) here in Ft. Worth. I didn't have a car. I began to explain to the Lord in frustration that I had done everything the Lord told me to do, but that I still suffered from the harassing demonic spirits. I had a vision from the Lord--only one of two I have ever had in my life. It was something I saw very clear in my mind. There was this giant man about 9 feet tall sitting in a chair. I could not see his face. All I saw was this little child trying to climb up into his lap, and the child was trying to pull himself up by jumping up onto the man's thigh. I didn't get it immediately, but a few days later I realized the Lord was saying, "Come to me as a little trusting child". I had a problem trusting anyone and submitting to any authority. I was afraid to.
OK, at the age of 28 I was still a virgin. I wasn't a bad looking guy, and I had a good personality--football player in high school and the whole bit. A lot of cute Christian girls wanted to go out with me. But, I began to reason in my mind that it would be impossible for me to have a relationship with a woman because of the demonic problem in my mind. I had also been into porn pretty much ever since I was a teenager. At 28, my first sexual experience was with a prostitute. There began a 2-week cycle of sin in my life for the next 25 years.
I would binge on porn (back in the 80s & 90s it was VHS tapes) for a few hours. I could feel the demonic spirits enter my mind. Then I would go out and act it out with a female prostitute. The next couple of days I would be physically sick and get a severe headache for up to 16 hours. I would feel like a vegetable and many times there were demonic hallucinations in my mind. Movies of snakes swimming in my mind and other bizarre things that I wont even bother to describe. Around the 4th or 5th day my mind would be begin to clear, and I would feel like I was alive again--kind of like being back from the dead. Around day 9 or 10, I would pretty much be back to my normal self. And my normal self was a guy who spent a LOT of time on my knees in prayer to the Lord. I had a close intimate relationship with the Lord. The Lord would comfort me by His Holy Spirit. The Lord would guide me and lead me in all areas of my life. The Lord would show me things that would happen in the future, and I had a great intercessory prayer ministry. It was a thrill to see so many prayers answered on behalf of other believers. Here are just a few examples of the things I remember about the Holy Spirit moving in my life. I'm only going to list them because some people don't think I was ever even a Christian with this much sin in my life.
In 1981, at the age of 24, I went to take the SAT test at Paschal High School here in Ft. Worth, TX. There was a very cute young lady there that didn't feel well because she had spent the night before out drinking with her friends. She told the administrator that she wasn't feeling well enough to take the test. The administrator walked off for just a minute to attend to something else. During that time I prayed so fervently to the Lord, and I prayed that this very important moment in this girl's life would not be taken from her. The administrator came back and wanted to confirm with the girl that she wasn't going to take the test. The girl said she was feeling better now, and she would be able to take the test. She finished the whole test. Back then I think the SAT was about a 3 or 4 hour test.
In 1989 when I was about 33, I was driving to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert at a place in Euless, TX called Footloose. It was a Christian entertainment type thing that isn't there anymore. Anyway, I had been praying for a while to the Lord that I might be able to meet a Latina type woman. I know that may sound weird, but I have always been attracted to petite dark-haired or brunette women. Maybe I just felt inferior dating a "normal" white girl. I guess that had something to do with it. Anyway, when I was about 1 mile from Footloose, the Lord spoke to me (not audibly) as clearly as ever and He asked, "You want a Latina girl?" I'm telling you that's what He said. I arrived at the concert and took a seat towards the back in the middle section before the concert started. I was sitting by myself. Sometime just before the concert started, I noticed there was this really cute petite Latina type girl sitting next to me on my right. I had been sitting by myself, but the place had begun to really fill up. This girl had the whole Latina look with the blue jeans and bright red shoes and dark hair, etc. She was about 5'1" tall and probably weighed about 100 lbs. I talked to her off and on during the concert. She was from Nicaragua and her family had just came to the United States during the Contra freedom fighter thing that was happening in Nicaragua during the Reagan Presidency. She thought she didn't speak good English, but she really spoke good English. She was an adorable girl. She was 21 years old. During the concert this girl kept bumping into me too which I thought was unusual. I know you may think this is funny, but it's true. When the concert was over I stayed in my seat for a while because I wanted to wait for the crowd to die down before I left, and I also wanted to buy a couple albums. This girl got up to leave with the people she came with. As she was waiting in the line to get out the door, she kept looking over at me like, "you moron aren't you even going to ask me for my phone number?" Unfortunately I had on my mind what I was going to do in Dallas after I left the concert which was not good. It wasn't until a while afterward that I actually realized what had happened and what the Lord spoke to me just before I got to the concert that night. The thing is, I wanted to do things my way (illicit) by going to Dallas instead of the Lord's way which was to start a relationship with this beautiful girl I had met at this concert. She was what I had requested (physically anyway) in prayer, but I was too stupid or whatever to trust the Lord in this situation. I wanted to handle things my way.
Around 1990, I told a 28 year old female friend of mine that if she was really ready to be married, I could have her married in 6 months. She met a guy at a Bible study neither one of them were even planning to go to, and about 6 months later they were married.
In 1995 I was sitting in the back of Calvary Cathedral International church in downtown Ft. Worth, and I prayed as earnestly as ever, "Lord I wish a tornado would come through here and destroy all this". I prayed that because I believed that the "laughter movement" from when Rodney Howard-Brown was there 3 years ago had just gotten out of control. I don't question however that it was a very real movement of God and a blessing to the church. Also, the acoustics in that round building were horrible because of so much reverberation. Well, five years later that is what happened. A tornado touched down and stayed over the church for 2.5 minutes. The building was destroyed, but not a single person was hurt. The church was fully staffed at the time. They bought another church about 3 miles away that used to be Midtown Church of Christ.
In 2000, I was at a Wendy's restaurant in Bellevue, WA. There was much political debate at work about the next president. As I sat there in Oct/2000 with my absentee ballot, I voted for Pat Buchanan which I was planning to do all along. The Lord spoke to me in the most poignant way ever, and He asked, "Are you sure you really want to do that"? Then He showed me that this race would be so tight and so close that we wouldn't know who the next president would be for days and possibly weeks or months. I wasn't exactly sure how long the Lord was telling me this would go on--just that as time went on it would become more clear who would win. It was more clear than an audible voice. This is when Bush barely won Florida by about 1,500 votes. It went on for days or weeks about who would be the winner.
In 2001 or 2002 I was about 46 I guess. I had gone for almost a year without the illicit activity in my life. I thought that I was over it, but I still had a problem with internet porn. I went to a TCU football game in Ft. Worth, TX near the time of Thanksgiving. I prayed for a while before I went to the game, and I was praying that the Lord would deliver me from going to the strip places in Ft. Worth where there were drugs and prostitution. As I was praying the Lord spoke to me just as clearly as he had the first time about meeting the Latina girl at Footloose, and He said, "There is someone at the game I want you to meet". I didn't know what to think of this, but I didn't think I had my act together enough to start a relationship. I went to the game. It was a night game and due to being near the holidays there weren't quite as many people there. TCU was winning and they upset #17 ranked Louisville at that game. There was this girl I had noticed there that was so attractive to me. She was the type of girl that I had told the Lord I would like to have as a wife. Again, I'm talking physical attraction here. You know how shallow us guys are about this. Anyway, this girl was "hot" to use the modern term. At least she was to me, and I thought I wish I could meet somebody like her. I thought for sure this girl had to be married. I never more than glanced at her, and she never saw me looking at her. With about 2 minutes left in the game I moved down to a completely different section of stands near the 10 yard line. I did this because I was making my way out of the stadium and wanted to beat the crowd out a little bit. I was about 4 or 5 rows back in this section of stands and there was NOBODY in this entire section of stands except me. All of the sudden this girl that I had noticed walks down and stands right next to me!! I looked at her, and she kind of awkwardly looked away out of embarrassment I guess. Now, my mind is racing. This time I realize that I am right in the middle of what the Lord told me was going to happen. But I begin to justify in my mind why I can't have a relationship with this girl. I'm not enough this or that or the other thing. I never opened my mouth and after about a minute or two of her standing there, she went back to hang out with the people she came to the game with. I didn't talk to her because I can't talk to women. I have no problem with that or making conversation, etc. I guess I just couldn't believe that a girl as attractive as this girl was would really like me if she knew who I really was. So guess what? After the game was over I went to the seedy section of Ft. Worth like clockwork.
In 2002 when the snipers were out in Washington, DC a few years ago, I simply went to the Lord in prayer and I asked the Lord if He would reveal to me who was doing the killing. The Lord spoke to me, and He said, "It's 2 black guys from the Tacoma, WA area and one is a lot older than the other, but they are both under 40". The Lord also showed that the name of one was "Malvo", but I wasn't sure if that was the first name or last name. That's what the Lord said. I thought about going to the FBI, but since I had this sin problem in my life I was always shy about telling people things the Lord revealed to me. I was afraid I had missed God and would make myself look foolish.
In 2008 or 2009, a couple of years ago before they even took the first vote in the Senate on Obama's health care bill, the Lord spoke to me about it, and he said, "It will pass, but there won't be any teeth to it". The Lord was saying it would pass, but it wouldn't be enforceable. It failed to get 60 votes in the Senate, and then the democrats lowered the bar for it to pass with 50 votes.
OK, so those are just some of the highlights. What I'm saying is that I had a close relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, but I also had this terrible sin problem in my life and there was a 2-week cycle of sin. Well about 18 months ago, guess what happened? Yes, that which I really feared would happen did happen. That is, during a cycle of sin my spirit was NOT restored. I woke up one morning, and I realized the Holy Spirit had moved far away from me. The next 6 to 8 months was a living hell of being attacked by demonic spirits. The Lord had brought me into judgment for this 25 year long span of sin. I was blind side punched in the eye by a thug in downtown Ft. Worth. I got chronic fatigue from a hooker in Vancouver, British Columbia which is the drug and hooker capital of North America. I had a problem in my bowels from a prostitute in Ft. Worth. I was sick, and I was tormented and surrounded by demonic spirits of darkness. I wanted to die, and I wanted to commit suicide. Nobody will ever know what the demonic torment was like. I had a 4mm kidney stone that took 12 days to pass during this time, and as much pain as that was, it was actually less than the spiritual pain I was going through. I wondered if the Lord would send me to hell.
Well fast forward to today right now. My relationship with the Lord has still not been restored. I do not have that close wonderful fellowship with the Lord anymore. The Holy Spirit does not speak to me about anything anymore. I have no guidance or direction in my life. When I wake up in the morning I am sick from my physical problems, and I am still harassed by demonic spirits. I have not been able to find work or hold a job for almost 3 years now. I'm 55. Although I don't visit prostitutes anymore, I still occasionally slip up on the internet about once every 2 weeks. It is like a IV shot of morphine into my body. All my pain goes away, and I am numb to my problems, but there is sickness and demonic attacks to follow later. But there is not the extreme contrast now in the 2-week cycle. Because the Holy Spirit moved far away from me, I am not as aware of the contrast between the demonic and the Holy. The joy that I once had is no longer with me. I am sad and wonder what can possibly be left of my life now. I don't know what to do or how to function. My parents, thank God, have me on life support financially or else I would be out on the streets. I was on the streets for 6 weeks, and it was so hard to deal with this being on the streets.
So, I have lost out on a lot. What Jesus said is so true, "Whoever will save his life shall lose it, but whosever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it again." I lost getting married to a cute Christian girl and having kids. I love little kids and teenagers, and I lost out on having my own. I still did things with other people's kids at church, but I never had my own. My sexual addiction really kept me from being more effective in all areas of ministry. I once had a good strong body, and now I am overweight and have illnesses. I never had a close intimate relationship with a woman (married) in my life. I have only had about 500 "encounters" with female prostitutes. Sure a lot of them were really good looking, but so what? Where is the intimacy or the closeness? It isn't even possible that way, and now I don't even know where all those girls are or what they are doing. Most serious of all though I lost the close intimate relationship with Father God and the Lord Jesus Christ. He was my best friend, and I loved to spend time in prayer more than anything.
So, what will happen now? I don't know. I guess I could still very well wind up out on the streets or in a living situation I hate. Will I ever be able to find a job and go back to work? I don't know. What solution is there in the sexual area? I don't know. I wonder if it's even possible at this point to begin to live an obedient life to the Lord. This is what has been lacking in my life. I obeyed in some areas, but deep down I was afraid to commit myself to any authority on a long term basis. So, I basically lived an escapism life. I could usually only hold a job for about 18 months. I actually see some similarities in my life to that of King Saul.
My spirit seems to be more relieved from demonic spirits today. But the Joy and touch of the Holy Spirit has not returned. The Lord was showing me the other night that all my life has not been committed to anything. I bounced from hundreds of jobs and going here and there and hundreds of superfluous relationships, but never any serious or lasting relationships. My life has not worked. There is a deep seated fear of committing myself to anything or any authority out of a deep fear of betrayal. I know it's all in my mind, but I don't know how to get rid of it. Like the guys on the streets used to tell me, "A rolling stone collects no green moss". I scream sometimes, "Nobody is ever going to hurt me again!" This is why I got off into so much illicit sex. I just didn't believe that a relationship would work for me considering I had such deep seated problems. I still believed for years that my dad hated and rejected me. It is all so confusing I can't understand it. I pray Lord help me to know the truth that I may be made free. Lord give me repentance to the acknowledging of the truth.
I may update in 6 months or a year. For now, I'm not sure what the future holds. I do seem to be more free from demonic spirits now, but the Lord is still pretty distant from me. Will he come back again and be close like He once was? I don't know. I doubt that my health will be restored.
Feel free to email me if you have any thoughts. But if you're a religious type Christian, and you want to tell me that I didn't really quench the Holy Spirit, please don't bother to communicate. If you believe that God could never punish His children or that He never brings them into judgment for their habitual sins, please don't bother to email me. Thank for reading about my story, and the Lord bless you and keep you in your commitment to walk with Him.
Craig / 12/2011 / email@example.com