Christians & Demonic Possession - My Testimony
On the internet I see a lot of opinions about Christians and their struggles with demonic spirits. Most of the time these are opinions from Christian people who have not walked through demonic possession in their own lives. Some commentaries are very good and some are OK, and some are just wrong. I'm not going to give you a commentary, but rather I'm going to talk about my experience in struggling with demonic spirits for the past 35 years of my life. I'm going to do this in chronological order as much as I can. This is my testimony of my struggles. I'm 55 years old, and the Lord began to move in my life when I was 16 years old.
The Lord Jesus began to move in my life when I was 16, and I was searching for unconditional love in my life. I grew up in a nice middle class home in Ohio, and my dad was not a Christian but my mom was. I really think my dad did overdo it on authority, and he was also passing down a generational spirit of rejection to me. So, I began to really have an attitude about authority. I wanted to be loved, but I began to have a hatred for authority. I felt like I could never measure up to any authority placed over me. I was down in the basement reading my Bible. I came across the verse, "In any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me". I flew into a rage, slammed the Bible down on the ground, and I said, "I don't want your f______ life"! Immediately I felt the tender touch of the Holy Spirit depart from me, and I began to panic thinking I might have just committed the unpardonable sin. This was a horrendous mistake on my part and set in motion a path towards destruction. Satan came to snatch up the seeds that had fallen on hard ground before they had a chance to grow. I don't blame my dad, but I blame myself for this.
For the next 4 years I began to party like a mad man. I had not really turned my back on the Lord Jesus Christ. In fact I knew He was what I really wanted in my life. I just did not want to bring myself under authority, and that included His authority. I had no center about myself going from place to place, job to job, and friend to friend. My life was in total open rebellion against all authority. Rebellion is the sin of witchcraft--I Sam. 15:23. Amazingly I never got drunk because I hated the taste of alcohol. I never got into illicit sex either although I did have a huge problem with masturbation and some pornography. There were a lot of cute girls that wanted to go out with me, but I was really shy around women and I didn't want sex without real love either. I did smoke cigarettes for a while and I did smoke pot about 30 times. Smoking pot opened the door to the first demonic attack in my life though it would not lead to demonic possession. The very last few times I smoked it, there was an awesome fear that came over me (demonic spirit of fear), and I saw the same vision in my mind. This was a giant vortex of energy that had the shape of a tornado. It was sucking me down into it, and I just kept going deeper and deeper into it. I eventually recovered from this, and I quite smoking pot cold turkey. I had enough of that. I also went to about 30 or 40 rock concerts during this time in my late teens.
About a year later, when I was 20 years old I was listening to some rock music. Actually I still remember to this day the album was Bad Company - Burning Sky. Something happened after listening to a song on this album that really scared me. In my mind I saw a evil man sitting at a desk and heard the sound of a door opening and closing. About the same time, rock music started playing in my mind uncontrollably. I knew I was in trouble because I could not control these sounds and what I was seeing in my mind. I didn't realize immediately these were demonic spirits because up until that time I didn't know what demonic spirits were or even if they were real. But I began to seek the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart and strength. I wanted out of this! Let's briefly fast forward to today as I am 55 years old, and I will tell you that for the past 35 years I have not been able to be delivered from this demonic spirit of mockery that plays this music all my waking hours. I think I know how this spirit entered. I had made a mockery of the law of God trying to tell Him that all authority was bad and only self-serving--including His. During a deliverance time about 20 years later, a spirit of mockery shouted out and said his name was mockery, and that he was the ruler demon in this man (me) and that he had been with me from the beginning. It was a violent outburst. Maybe the distracting spirit of music is a spirit of witchcraft. I'm still not entirely sure. Anyway, this spirit changes the words of popular songs, rock songs or praise & worship songs and perverts the words. I haven't listened to rock songs or many pop songs since I was about 23 or 24 years old. So, I'm not sure what the open door still is. Anyway, for example tonight I went and talked with a girl at the front desk. She said her name was Beth. As I was walking back to my apartment, I heard an old Kiss song playing in my mind--Beth I hear you calling, but I can't come home right now…. The thing is, I never liked this band or went to their concert or had any of their albums. Still, the enemy is familiar with this band and the demonic spirit played this song in my mind as I was walking back to my apartment. This is how this happens. It is an evil spirit, and it isn't something I can stop. This has been a huge distraction in my life and something that has really hurt my confidence.
So, anyway I wound up in Ft. Worth, TX at the YMCA in Ft. Worth. I struggled for 2 or 3 years very much. I was attacked by a demonic spirit of fear at 0200 or 0300 in the morning. I wrestled with whether or not I had committed the unpardonable sin. I wrestled with whether or not the Lord really loved me. I wanted to know if the Lord was for me or against me. But I spent a lot of time in prayer. I found a good church to go to in Ft. Worth that I went to for the next 25 years of my life. Times were hard and I endured a lot of torment, but the Lord began to come much closer to me and the demonic spirits of fear eventually left. The harassing spirit of mockery and music has never left though.
In 1981 after I had been living in Ft. Worth a couple of years, I was 24 years old. I now want to list some of the highlights of the Lord working in my life by His Holy Spirit. I only want to list this to prove that I really was a Christian, and the Lord's spirit was really working in my life. I had a close relationship with the Lord. In fact it was having to deal with these demonic spirits that kept me on my knees a lot. I had a lot of joy in my life and also the Lord would comfort me so much when I would pray. The tender touch of the comforter was a wonderful thing. I really began to grow in the Lord. Still there were nagging doubts with the demonic spirit harassing me most of my waking hours. But when I would pray the spirit would not be allowed to harass. When I would study a book for college work, the spirit would pretty much be subdued--not completely but enough for me to be able to understand and retain what I was reading. OK the following is a highlight of some of the workings of the Lord in my life over the next few decades:
In 1981, at the age of 24, I went to take the SAT test at a high school here in Ft. Worth, TX. There was a very cute young lady there that didn't feel well because she had spent the night before out drinking with her friends. She told the administrator that she wasn't feeling well enough to take the test. The administrator walked off for just a minute to attend to something else. During that time I prayed so fervently to the Lord, and I prayed that this very important moment in this girl's life would not be taken from her. The administrator came back and wanted to confirm with the girl that she wasn't going to take the test. The girl said she was feeling better now, and she would be able to take the test. She finished the whole test. Back then I think the SAT was about a 3 or 4 hour test.
In 1989 when I was about 33, I was driving to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert at a place in Euless, TX called Footloose. It was a Christian entertainment type thing that isn't there anymore. Anyway, I had been praying for a while to the Lord that I might be able to meet a Latina type woman. I know that may sound weird, but I have always been attracted to petite dark-haired or brunette women. Maybe I just felt inferior dating a "normal" white girl. I guess that had something to do with it. Anyway, when I was about 1 mile from Footloose, the Lord spoke to me (not audibly) as clearly as ever and He asked, "You want a Latina girl?" I'm telling you that's what He said. I arrived at the concert and took a seat towards the back in the middle section before the concert started. I was sitting by myself. Sometime just before the concert started, I noticed there was this really cute petite Latina type girl sitting next to me on my right. I had been sitting by myself, but the place had begun to really fill up. This girl had the whole Latina look with the blue jeans and bright red shoes and dark hair, etc. She was about 5'1" tall and probably weighed about 100 lbs. I talked to her off and on during the concert. She was from Nicaragua and her family had just came to the United States during the Contra freedom fighter thing that was happening in Nicaragua during the Reagan Presidency. She thought she didn't speak good English, but she really spoke good English. She was an adorable girl. She was 21 years old. During the concert this girl kept bumping into me too which I thought was unusual. I know you may think this is funny, but it's true. When the concert was over I stayed in my seat for a while because I wanted to wait for the crowd to die down before I left, and I also wanted to buy a couple albums. This girl got up to leave with the people she came with. As she was waiting in the line to get out the door, she kept looking over at me like, "you moron aren't you even going to ask me for my phone number?" Unfortunately I had on my mind what I was going to do in Dallas after I left the concert which was not good. It wasn't until a while afterward that I actually realized what had happened and what the Lord spoke to me just before I got to the concert that night. The thing is, I wanted to do things my way (illicit) by going to Dallas instead of the Lord's way which was to start a relationship with this beautiful girl I had met at this concert. She was what I had requested (physically anyway) in prayer, but I was too stupid or whatever to trust the Lord in this situation. I wanted to handle things my way.
Around 1990, I told a 28 year old female friend of mine that if she was really ready to be married, I could have her married in 6 months. She met a guy at a Bible study neither one of them were even planning to go to, and about 6 months later they were married.
In 1995 I was sitting in the back of Calvary Cathedral International church in downtown Ft. Worth, and I prayed as earnestly as ever, "Lord I wish a tornado would come through here and destroy all this". I prayed that because I believed that the "laughter movement" from when Rodney Howard-Brown was there 3 years ago had just gotten out of control. I don't question however that it was a very real movement of God and a blessing to the church. Also, the acoustics in that round building were horrible because of so much reverberation. Well, five years later that is what happened. A tornado touched down and stayed over the church for 2.5 minutes. The building was destroyed, but not a single person was hurt. The church was fully staffed at the time. They bought another church about 3 miles away that used to be Midtown Church of Christ.
In 2000, I was at a Wendy's restaurant in Bellevue, WA. There was much political debate at work about the next president. As I sat there in Oct/2000 with my absentee ballot, I voted for Pat Buchanan which I was planning to do all along. The Lord spoke to me in the most poignant way ever, and He asked, "Are you sure you really want to do that"? Then He showed me that this race would be so tight and so close that we wouldn't know who the next president would be for days and possibly weeks or months. I wasn't exactly sure how long the Lord was telling me this would go on--just that as time went on it would become more clear who would win. It was more clear than an audible voice. This is when Bush barely won Florida by about 1,500 votes. It went on for days or weeks about who would be the winner.
In 2001 or 2002 I was about 46 I guess. I had gone for almost a year without the illicit activity in my life. I thought that I was over it, but I still had a problem with internet porn. I went to a TCU football game in Ft. Worth, TX near the time of Thanksgiving. I prayed for a while before I went to the game, and I was praying that the Lord would deliver me from going to the strip places in Ft. Worth where there were drugs and prostitution. As I was praying the Lord spoke to me just as clearly as he had the first time about meeting the Latina girl at Footloose, and He said, "There is someone at the game I want you to meet". I didn't know what to think of this, but I didn't think I had my act together enough to start a relationship. I went to the game. It was a night game and due to being near the holidays there weren't quite as many people there. TCU was winning and they upset #17 ranked Louisville at that game. There was this girl I had noticed there that was so attractive to me. She was the type of girl that I had told the Lord I would like to have as a wife. Again, I'm talking physical attraction here. You know how shallow us guys are about this. Anyway, this girl was "hot" to use the modern term. At least she was to me, and I thought I wish I could meet somebody like her. I thought for sure this girl had to be married. I never more than glanced at her, and she never saw me looking at her. With about 2 minutes left in the game I moved down to a completely different section of stands near the 10 yard line. I did this because I was making my way out of the stadium and wanted to beat the crowd out a little bit. I was about 4 or 5 rows back in this section of stands and there was NOBODY in this entire section of stands except me. All of the sudden this girl that I had noticed walks down and stands right next to me!! I looked at her, and she kind of awkwardly looked away out of embarrassment I guess. Now, my mind is racing. This time I realize that I am right in the middle of what the Lord told me was going to happen. But I begin to justify in my mind why I can't have a relationship with this girl. I'm not enough this or that or the other thing. I never opened my mouth and after about a minute or two of her standing there, she went back to hang out with the people she came to the game with. I didn't talk to her because I can't talk to women. I have no problem with that or making conversation, etc. I guess I just couldn't believe that a girl as attractive as this girl was would really like me if she knew who I really was. So guess what? After the game was over I went to the seedy section of Ft. Worth like clockwork.
In 2002 when the snipers were out in Washington, DC a few years ago, I simply went to the Lord in prayer and I asked the Lord if He would reveal to me who was doing the killing. The Lord spoke to me, and He said, "It's 2 black guys from the Tacoma, WA area and one is a lot older than the other, but they are both under 40". The Lord also showed that the name of one was "Malvo", but I wasn't sure if that was the first name or last name. That's what the Lord said. I thought about going to the FBI, but since I had this sin problem in my life I was always shy about telling people things the Lord revealed to me. I was afraid I had missed God and would make myself look foolish.
In 2008 or 2009, a couple of years ago before they even took the first vote in the Senate on Obama's health care bill, the Lord spoke to me about it, and he said, "It will pass, but there won't be any teeth to it". The Lord was saying it would pass, but it wouldn't be enforceable. It failed to get 60 votes in the Senate, and then the democrats lowered the bar for it to pass with 50 votes.
Alright, the Lord was working in my life, and I spent a lot of time in prayer. Sometimes around 1981 or so, I went to a deliverance ministry in Arlington, TX that was headed by a fellow named R A Brooks. This was a very effective ministry. After I went through deliverance, a lot of the demonic activity in my mind ceased. I could smell the flowers again, the sky was bluer and the grass was greener when I walked out of that meeting. I was more alive. The spirit of music distraction is the one spirit that did not leave though. I asked R A Brooks about this, and he said, "You've got a wide open door somewhere".
Sometime in 1984 I made another horrendously bad decision in my life. I believed that since I had this demonic problem in my life I believed that I would not be able to maintain a good relationship with a woman or ever get married. This just opened the door to demonic spirit of lust and whoredom. Every time I watched pornography, I could feel a demonic spirit move inside my brain putting pressure on my brain and giving me a headache. There were bizarre hallucinations after this like sometimes I would see snakes swimming in my head and my mind.
I went through deliverance about 4 more times from 1984 to 2006 or so. My results where usually the same. A little way into the deliverance I would begin to curse and the demon would yell out "F Jesus Christ!!" or "I'm never f______ leaving!!!" Another time several spirits manifested. The deliverance pastor asked the demon its name, and I yelled out in a rage, "Mockery". The demon then said, "I am the ruler demon in this man, and I have been with him from the beginning!" I was crawling around like a worm on the floor, and the demon was pleading that it would not be cast out. The demon said, "But I like this man".
Each time I found a measure of great relief in deliverance. But, unfortunately I was not able to keep my deliverance. I was not able to stop the cycle of sexual sin in my life, and I never really came to terms with finally submitting to authority. Like Ed Murphy says in his book "The Handbook for Spiritual Warfare", only about 20% of Christians keep their deliverance after they go through deliverance. This is the best book on the subject of demonic possession in Christians.
In 2000 the Lord brought me into severe judgment and even punishment for this continued sin in my life. Yes, I would cry out for forgiveness and promise never to sin anymore, but I also enjoyed the pleasure of sexual sin while it lasted. For a period of a month I was tormented by a demonic spirit of fear. The fear would come right out of my heart. It was a far greater degree of fear than I have ever experienced by any natural events that happened in my life. It was a tormenting spirit. Finally after about a month this spirit went away, and I regained my normal self.
In 2010 the Lord brought me into judgment again, and this has become the most difficult time of my life. What I feared would happened did happen. I woke up on morning in February of 2010, and I knew the Holy Spirit had moved far away from me. What followed after that was almost pure hell. Dark and tormenting spirits have been attacking me in my mind. These demons all sing a sad song at times (in my mind) as if they are in prison labor camps with chains about them and no way of ever escaping. There are spirits of death that just make everything feel dead. It is like living death if that makes any sense. I also have physical problems now due to my sexual sin. God does punish Christians today just as He did in OT times. The form of punishment seems to be different. Most pastors don't believe this or wont discuss it, but it is true. However there does seem to be chastisement that goes along with the punishment. That is the good news.
My spirit now is not happy anymore. I am sick and weak, and the spirit of joy of the Holy Spirit has moved far away from me. I have constant headaches now from demons putting pressure on my brain. I am the worst in the morning, and I get a little better as the day goes on. How will this all end? I don't know. Jobs are very hard to find now, and I don't know if I could work even if I could find a job. The Lord changed my spirit. He is the Father of spirits as the Bible says He is.
Hebrews 12:9:
Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?
I'm going to quote one more passage, and then I will stop. The Lord has shown me over the past 20 years, that this passage of the Bible applies to me:
2 Tim 2:24-26
24 And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient.
25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;
26 And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.
Maybe the Lord will still give me a place of repentance, and I will be able to submit myself to authority without fear. Maybe I will be able to submit the sexual area of my life to the Lord, so that I do not continue in sin. I'm 55 years old now, and I'm not sure what is left of my life. Each day is a struggle to make it through the day.
I'll try to update maybe if things change in my life. Thanks for listening.
Craig / Ft. Worth, TX / 12/2011 / [email protected]
The Sunset hotel at the bottom is right next to where I was staying. This was an infamous hotel for drugs and prostitution on South Pacific Highway in Seattle, WA. On this cold snowy night though, none of this activity was going on. The police have since cracked down and just about completely cleaned up Pacific Highway.
On the internet I see a lot of opinions about Christians and their struggles with demonic spirits. Most of the time these are opinions from Christian people who have not walked through demonic possession in their own lives. Some commentaries are very good and some are OK, and some are just wrong. I'm not going to give you a commentary, but rather I'm going to talk about my experience in struggling with demonic spirits for the past 35 years of my life. I'm going to do this in chronological order as much as I can. This is my testimony of my struggles. I'm 55 years old, and the Lord began to move in my life when I was 16 years old.
The Lord Jesus began to move in my life when I was 16, and I was searching for unconditional love in my life. I grew up in a nice middle class home in Ohio, and my dad was not a Christian but my mom was. I really think my dad did overdo it on authority, and he was also passing down a generational spirit of rejection to me. So, I began to really have an attitude about authority. I wanted to be loved, but I began to have a hatred for authority. I felt like I could never measure up to any authority placed over me. I was down in the basement reading my Bible. I came across the verse, "In any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me". I flew into a rage, slammed the Bible down on the ground, and I said, "I don't want your f______ life"! Immediately I felt the tender touch of the Holy Spirit depart from me, and I began to panic thinking I might have just committed the unpardonable sin. This was a horrendous mistake on my part and set in motion a path towards destruction. Satan came to snatch up the seeds that had fallen on hard ground before they had a chance to grow. I don't blame my dad, but I blame myself for this.
For the next 4 years I began to party like a mad man. I had not really turned my back on the Lord Jesus Christ. In fact I knew He was what I really wanted in my life. I just did not want to bring myself under authority, and that included His authority. I had no center about myself going from place to place, job to job, and friend to friend. My life was in total open rebellion against all authority. Rebellion is the sin of witchcraft--I Sam. 15:23. Amazingly I never got drunk because I hated the taste of alcohol. I never got into illicit sex either although I did have a huge problem with masturbation and some pornography. There were a lot of cute girls that wanted to go out with me, but I was really shy around women and I didn't want sex without real love either. I did smoke cigarettes for a while and I did smoke pot about 30 times. Smoking pot opened the door to the first demonic attack in my life though it would not lead to demonic possession. The very last few times I smoked it, there was an awesome fear that came over me (demonic spirit of fear), and I saw the same vision in my mind. This was a giant vortex of energy that had the shape of a tornado. It was sucking me down into it, and I just kept going deeper and deeper into it. I eventually recovered from this, and I quite smoking pot cold turkey. I had enough of that. I also went to about 30 or 40 rock concerts during this time in my late teens.
About a year later, when I was 20 years old I was listening to some rock music. Actually I still remember to this day the album was Bad Company - Burning Sky. Something happened after listening to a song on this album that really scared me. In my mind I saw a evil man sitting at a desk and heard the sound of a door opening and closing. About the same time, rock music started playing in my mind uncontrollably. I knew I was in trouble because I could not control these sounds and what I was seeing in my mind. I didn't realize immediately these were demonic spirits because up until that time I didn't know what demonic spirits were or even if they were real. But I began to seek the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart and strength. I wanted out of this! Let's briefly fast forward to today as I am 55 years old, and I will tell you that for the past 35 years I have not been able to be delivered from this demonic spirit of mockery that plays this music all my waking hours. I think I know how this spirit entered. I had made a mockery of the law of God trying to tell Him that all authority was bad and only self-serving--including His. During a deliverance time about 20 years later, a spirit of mockery shouted out and said his name was mockery, and that he was the ruler demon in this man (me) and that he had been with me from the beginning. It was a violent outburst. Maybe the distracting spirit of music is a spirit of witchcraft. I'm still not entirely sure. Anyway, this spirit changes the words of popular songs, rock songs or praise & worship songs and perverts the words. I haven't listened to rock songs or many pop songs since I was about 23 or 24 years old. So, I'm not sure what the open door still is. Anyway, for example tonight I went and talked with a girl at the front desk. She said her name was Beth. As I was walking back to my apartment, I heard an old Kiss song playing in my mind--Beth I hear you calling, but I can't come home right now…. The thing is, I never liked this band or went to their concert or had any of their albums. Still, the enemy is familiar with this band and the demonic spirit played this song in my mind as I was walking back to my apartment. This is how this happens. It is an evil spirit, and it isn't something I can stop. This has been a huge distraction in my life and something that has really hurt my confidence.
So, anyway I wound up in Ft. Worth, TX at the YMCA in Ft. Worth. I struggled for 2 or 3 years very much. I was attacked by a demonic spirit of fear at 0200 or 0300 in the morning. I wrestled with whether or not I had committed the unpardonable sin. I wrestled with whether or not the Lord really loved me. I wanted to know if the Lord was for me or against me. But I spent a lot of time in prayer. I found a good church to go to in Ft. Worth that I went to for the next 25 years of my life. Times were hard and I endured a lot of torment, but the Lord began to come much closer to me and the demonic spirits of fear eventually left. The harassing spirit of mockery and music has never left though.
In 1981 after I had been living in Ft. Worth a couple of years, I was 24 years old. I now want to list some of the highlights of the Lord working in my life by His Holy Spirit. I only want to list this to prove that I really was a Christian, and the Lord's spirit was really working in my life. I had a close relationship with the Lord. In fact it was having to deal with these demonic spirits that kept me on my knees a lot. I had a lot of joy in my life and also the Lord would comfort me so much when I would pray. The tender touch of the comforter was a wonderful thing. I really began to grow in the Lord. Still there were nagging doubts with the demonic spirit harassing me most of my waking hours. But when I would pray the spirit would not be allowed to harass. When I would study a book for college work, the spirit would pretty much be subdued--not completely but enough for me to be able to understand and retain what I was reading. OK the following is a highlight of some of the workings of the Lord in my life over the next few decades:
In 1981, at the age of 24, I went to take the SAT test at a high school here in Ft. Worth, TX. There was a very cute young lady there that didn't feel well because she had spent the night before out drinking with her friends. She told the administrator that she wasn't feeling well enough to take the test. The administrator walked off for just a minute to attend to something else. During that time I prayed so fervently to the Lord, and I prayed that this very important moment in this girl's life would not be taken from her. The administrator came back and wanted to confirm with the girl that she wasn't going to take the test. The girl said she was feeling better now, and she would be able to take the test. She finished the whole test. Back then I think the SAT was about a 3 or 4 hour test.
In 1989 when I was about 33, I was driving to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert at a place in Euless, TX called Footloose. It was a Christian entertainment type thing that isn't there anymore. Anyway, I had been praying for a while to the Lord that I might be able to meet a Latina type woman. I know that may sound weird, but I have always been attracted to petite dark-haired or brunette women. Maybe I just felt inferior dating a "normal" white girl. I guess that had something to do with it. Anyway, when I was about 1 mile from Footloose, the Lord spoke to me (not audibly) as clearly as ever and He asked, "You want a Latina girl?" I'm telling you that's what He said. I arrived at the concert and took a seat towards the back in the middle section before the concert started. I was sitting by myself. Sometime just before the concert started, I noticed there was this really cute petite Latina type girl sitting next to me on my right. I had been sitting by myself, but the place had begun to really fill up. This girl had the whole Latina look with the blue jeans and bright red shoes and dark hair, etc. She was about 5'1" tall and probably weighed about 100 lbs. I talked to her off and on during the concert. She was from Nicaragua and her family had just came to the United States during the Contra freedom fighter thing that was happening in Nicaragua during the Reagan Presidency. She thought she didn't speak good English, but she really spoke good English. She was an adorable girl. She was 21 years old. During the concert this girl kept bumping into me too which I thought was unusual. I know you may think this is funny, but it's true. When the concert was over I stayed in my seat for a while because I wanted to wait for the crowd to die down before I left, and I also wanted to buy a couple albums. This girl got up to leave with the people she came with. As she was waiting in the line to get out the door, she kept looking over at me like, "you moron aren't you even going to ask me for my phone number?" Unfortunately I had on my mind what I was going to do in Dallas after I left the concert which was not good. It wasn't until a while afterward that I actually realized what had happened and what the Lord spoke to me just before I got to the concert that night. The thing is, I wanted to do things my way (illicit) by going to Dallas instead of the Lord's way which was to start a relationship with this beautiful girl I had met at this concert. She was what I had requested (physically anyway) in prayer, but I was too stupid or whatever to trust the Lord in this situation. I wanted to handle things my way.
Around 1990, I told a 28 year old female friend of mine that if she was really ready to be married, I could have her married in 6 months. She met a guy at a Bible study neither one of them were even planning to go to, and about 6 months later they were married.
In 1995 I was sitting in the back of Calvary Cathedral International church in downtown Ft. Worth, and I prayed as earnestly as ever, "Lord I wish a tornado would come through here and destroy all this". I prayed that because I believed that the "laughter movement" from when Rodney Howard-Brown was there 3 years ago had just gotten out of control. I don't question however that it was a very real movement of God and a blessing to the church. Also, the acoustics in that round building were horrible because of so much reverberation. Well, five years later that is what happened. A tornado touched down and stayed over the church for 2.5 minutes. The building was destroyed, but not a single person was hurt. The church was fully staffed at the time. They bought another church about 3 miles away that used to be Midtown Church of Christ.
In 2000, I was at a Wendy's restaurant in Bellevue, WA. There was much political debate at work about the next president. As I sat there in Oct/2000 with my absentee ballot, I voted for Pat Buchanan which I was planning to do all along. The Lord spoke to me in the most poignant way ever, and He asked, "Are you sure you really want to do that"? Then He showed me that this race would be so tight and so close that we wouldn't know who the next president would be for days and possibly weeks or months. I wasn't exactly sure how long the Lord was telling me this would go on--just that as time went on it would become more clear who would win. It was more clear than an audible voice. This is when Bush barely won Florida by about 1,500 votes. It went on for days or weeks about who would be the winner.
In 2001 or 2002 I was about 46 I guess. I had gone for almost a year without the illicit activity in my life. I thought that I was over it, but I still had a problem with internet porn. I went to a TCU football game in Ft. Worth, TX near the time of Thanksgiving. I prayed for a while before I went to the game, and I was praying that the Lord would deliver me from going to the strip places in Ft. Worth where there were drugs and prostitution. As I was praying the Lord spoke to me just as clearly as he had the first time about meeting the Latina girl at Footloose, and He said, "There is someone at the game I want you to meet". I didn't know what to think of this, but I didn't think I had my act together enough to start a relationship. I went to the game. It was a night game and due to being near the holidays there weren't quite as many people there. TCU was winning and they upset #17 ranked Louisville at that game. There was this girl I had noticed there that was so attractive to me. She was the type of girl that I had told the Lord I would like to have as a wife. Again, I'm talking physical attraction here. You know how shallow us guys are about this. Anyway, this girl was "hot" to use the modern term. At least she was to me, and I thought I wish I could meet somebody like her. I thought for sure this girl had to be married. I never more than glanced at her, and she never saw me looking at her. With about 2 minutes left in the game I moved down to a completely different section of stands near the 10 yard line. I did this because I was making my way out of the stadium and wanted to beat the crowd out a little bit. I was about 4 or 5 rows back in this section of stands and there was NOBODY in this entire section of stands except me. All of the sudden this girl that I had noticed walks down and stands right next to me!! I looked at her, and she kind of awkwardly looked away out of embarrassment I guess. Now, my mind is racing. This time I realize that I am right in the middle of what the Lord told me was going to happen. But I begin to justify in my mind why I can't have a relationship with this girl. I'm not enough this or that or the other thing. I never opened my mouth and after about a minute or two of her standing there, she went back to hang out with the people she came to the game with. I didn't talk to her because I can't talk to women. I have no problem with that or making conversation, etc. I guess I just couldn't believe that a girl as attractive as this girl was would really like me if she knew who I really was. So guess what? After the game was over I went to the seedy section of Ft. Worth like clockwork.
In 2002 when the snipers were out in Washington, DC a few years ago, I simply went to the Lord in prayer and I asked the Lord if He would reveal to me who was doing the killing. The Lord spoke to me, and He said, "It's 2 black guys from the Tacoma, WA area and one is a lot older than the other, but they are both under 40". The Lord also showed that the name of one was "Malvo", but I wasn't sure if that was the first name or last name. That's what the Lord said. I thought about going to the FBI, but since I had this sin problem in my life I was always shy about telling people things the Lord revealed to me. I was afraid I had missed God and would make myself look foolish.
In 2008 or 2009, a couple of years ago before they even took the first vote in the Senate on Obama's health care bill, the Lord spoke to me about it, and he said, "It will pass, but there won't be any teeth to it". The Lord was saying it would pass, but it wouldn't be enforceable. It failed to get 60 votes in the Senate, and then the democrats lowered the bar for it to pass with 50 votes.
Alright, the Lord was working in my life, and I spent a lot of time in prayer. Sometimes around 1981 or so, I went to a deliverance ministry in Arlington, TX that was headed by a fellow named R A Brooks. This was a very effective ministry. After I went through deliverance, a lot of the demonic activity in my mind ceased. I could smell the flowers again, the sky was bluer and the grass was greener when I walked out of that meeting. I was more alive. The spirit of music distraction is the one spirit that did not leave though. I asked R A Brooks about this, and he said, "You've got a wide open door somewhere".
Sometime in 1984 I made another horrendously bad decision in my life. I believed that since I had this demonic problem in my life I believed that I would not be able to maintain a good relationship with a woman or ever get married. This just opened the door to demonic spirit of lust and whoredom. Every time I watched pornography, I could feel a demonic spirit move inside my brain putting pressure on my brain and giving me a headache. There were bizarre hallucinations after this like sometimes I would see snakes swimming in my head and my mind.
I went through deliverance about 4 more times from 1984 to 2006 or so. My results where usually the same. A little way into the deliverance I would begin to curse and the demon would yell out "F Jesus Christ!!" or "I'm never f______ leaving!!!" Another time several spirits manifested. The deliverance pastor asked the demon its name, and I yelled out in a rage, "Mockery". The demon then said, "I am the ruler demon in this man, and I have been with him from the beginning!" I was crawling around like a worm on the floor, and the demon was pleading that it would not be cast out. The demon said, "But I like this man".
Each time I found a measure of great relief in deliverance. But, unfortunately I was not able to keep my deliverance. I was not able to stop the cycle of sexual sin in my life, and I never really came to terms with finally submitting to authority. Like Ed Murphy says in his book "The Handbook for Spiritual Warfare", only about 20% of Christians keep their deliverance after they go through deliverance. This is the best book on the subject of demonic possession in Christians.
In 2000 the Lord brought me into severe judgment and even punishment for this continued sin in my life. Yes, I would cry out for forgiveness and promise never to sin anymore, but I also enjoyed the pleasure of sexual sin while it lasted. For a period of a month I was tormented by a demonic spirit of fear. The fear would come right out of my heart. It was a far greater degree of fear than I have ever experienced by any natural events that happened in my life. It was a tormenting spirit. Finally after about a month this spirit went away, and I regained my normal self.
In 2010 the Lord brought me into judgment again, and this has become the most difficult time of my life. What I feared would happened did happen. I woke up on morning in February of 2010, and I knew the Holy Spirit had moved far away from me. What followed after that was almost pure hell. Dark and tormenting spirits have been attacking me in my mind. These demons all sing a sad song at times (in my mind) as if they are in prison labor camps with chains about them and no way of ever escaping. There are spirits of death that just make everything feel dead. It is like living death if that makes any sense. I also have physical problems now due to my sexual sin. God does punish Christians today just as He did in OT times. The form of punishment seems to be different. Most pastors don't believe this or wont discuss it, but it is true. However there does seem to be chastisement that goes along with the punishment. That is the good news.
My spirit now is not happy anymore. I am sick and weak, and the spirit of joy of the Holy Spirit has moved far away from me. I have constant headaches now from demons putting pressure on my brain. I am the worst in the morning, and I get a little better as the day goes on. How will this all end? I don't know. Jobs are very hard to find now, and I don't know if I could work even if I could find a job. The Lord changed my spirit. He is the Father of spirits as the Bible says He is.
Hebrews 12:9:
Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?
I'm going to quote one more passage, and then I will stop. The Lord has shown me over the past 20 years, that this passage of the Bible applies to me:
2 Tim 2:24-26
24 And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient.
25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;
26 And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.
Maybe the Lord will still give me a place of repentance, and I will be able to submit myself to authority without fear. Maybe I will be able to submit the sexual area of my life to the Lord, so that I do not continue in sin. I'm 55 years old now, and I'm not sure what is left of my life. Each day is a struggle to make it through the day.
I'll try to update maybe if things change in my life. Thanks for listening.
Craig / Ft. Worth, TX / 12/2011 / [email protected]
The Sunset hotel at the bottom is right next to where I was staying. This was an infamous hotel for drugs and prostitution on South Pacific Highway in Seattle, WA. On this cold snowy night though, none of this activity was going on. The police have since cracked down and just about completely cleaned up Pacific Highway.